


Courage

by DisorientedOwl



Series: Serious Fics [2]
Category: Transformers: Robots in Disguise (2015)
Genre: Depression, Gen, Mild Hurt/Comfort, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-26
Updated: 2017-07-26
Packaged: 2018-12-07 05:24:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11616804
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DisorientedOwl/pseuds/DisorientedOwl
Summary: You wanna read this fic? You don't wanna read this fic. You see these bones? You wanna know what made these bones? You don't wanna know what made these bones.





	Courage

 

    I didn’t expect to online again. Especially not to darkness. I blindly scramble up, turning my helm aside to purge.

It feels like motor oil sludge crawling up and through my intakes, leaving a greasy gritty mess that stuck in awful places along my lines. I blindly hurl it out, not caring where the scrap landed, where I was, who I was with it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

I hear a voice splutter out curses, probably at me. I don’t care. Whoever they are they don’t know me.

I’ve woken up like this before a side effect of some rotten place within me. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. If purging every once and awhile is all it takes I could bear it.

Strong hands grasp my faceplate, drawing me to some light source I see through the dimness of my optics.

 

_ Go away,  _ I try to say,  _ It will pass, just leave me alone. _

 

Instead I purge and black out.

 

When I came to again, I picked up where I left off. Only this time it was a dry upheaval. My turbines coughed out rough, greasy fumes that dispersed as they left me in shuddering bursts.

 

“Damn it, Starscream.”

 

I perk up, my wings feel heavier than I want them to be. 

 

“Starscream?” I repeat my own name. Maybe that’s all I can utter before I black out again.

 

Strong cool digits wrap around my faceplate. I hear that voice again. It sounds so familiar but my processor could only remind me that I want to purge. I want to purge until my pieces fall off. I want to purge until this terrible upheaval within me  _ stopped _ .

 

“Starscream. Listen, when you merged with the mini-cons you blew your systems. Tell me where you feel pain.”

 

I open my optics wide, trying to see who is talking to me. They need to leave me alone. I can take care of myself. But I feel something is wrong.

 

“Everywhere.”

 

I didn’t know I blacked out again until I woke up. 

 

“You’re online.”

 

The voice was gentle whoever this mech was he sounded relieved I was alive. No one I knew then.

 

I felt servos on me and flinch, “Don’t touch me.”

 

They jerk away.

 

“Why can’t I see?” I didn’t mean to sound so demanding but I tire of this darkness.

 

“Your helm modification short circuited,” the voice kept its gentle timber, “I’ve isolated each system to work and function separately. I won’t reconnect them until I’m certain they won’t fail.”

 

I search for something to say to this strange samaritan but I can’t be grateful.

 

“Starscream.”

 

I perk again at the sound of my own name. I’ve never heard it uttered with such mixed sorrow.

 

“Do you feel any pain, anywhere?”

 

“I don’t feel anything.”

 

“Good.”

 

I hear something, he’s typing it down in a datapad.

 

“Who are you?” I dare to question.

 

The typing stopped and the sudden fear ripples pain through my raw circuits. My life was in the servos of some unknown medical unit and maybe it should be kept that way.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t,” I hate the way my voice stutters out of me. 

 

“No, it’s just,” the voice came out gentle, “You’ve asked this question before. Do you not remember?”

 

“No, I think I would remember your name.”

 

“Maybe it’s best we wait for introductions.”

 

I feel nauseated at that. Getting these mod’s took a lot of effort on my part and the last thing I want is to be stripped of that power.

 

“All things considered, these are good modifications, Starscream. I’m glad you didn’t go to Knockout or some back alley chopshop for them.”

 

“I don’t treat myself so unkindly,” I respond, “Besides I need to operate on my own energon reserves in order to defeat Megatron.”

 

A quick action next to me made me feel on edge, “What did you just do?”

 

“I want to get you sedated.”

 

“Why do I need to be sedated?” I want to panic and thrash around but I know better

 

“Because now is about the time you remember and start purging again.”

 

“Remember what?”

 

But it’s too late and I succumb to the terrible senseless dark again.

 

“Is he online?”

 

This voice sounds familiar but I am still too drugged to care about it. 

 

“I’ve repaired all of his charred circuitry, Optimus but his recovery depends on his mental welfare.”

 

“I understand.”

 

_ Ugh, it’s the Prime, isn’t he supposed to be dead? _

 

My optics flew open and I sit up at the realization.

 

“Easy, Starscream,” Ratchet holds out his servos, “Let it come back slowly. Don’t push yourself.”

 

To the Prime, the medic mutters, “I told you. You shouldn’t be in here.”

 

“Starscream,” the Prime begins in his usual tone, “I would like to apologize.

 

I feel my fluids rise inside me.

“Primus, I’m sedating him again.”

 

“No,” I wildly throw out my servo, “No I don’t want to be there again.”

 

Ratchet stops and looks at me with such a concerned look on his faceplate I wanted to retch.

 

So I did. 

 

I lean over the berth and something came out of me.

 

“Optimus,” Ratchet’s tone came out harsh.

 

I’ve never seen the Autobot leader meekly follow orders so I began to babble, “This is a nightmare. Did you put a psychic patch in me? Is this a simulation?”

 

“No.”

 

“I need to stand up.”

 

“May I assist you?”

 

What an odd question.

 

“No, you can’t,” I snap out.

 

He vents and my tanks churn. I threw out another purge again.

 

“What is coming out of me?” I shout.

 

“I can’t risk you losing energon faster than I can put it in you.”

 

Anger rose up in me, I can’t understand these Autobots, “What does  _ that _ mean?”

 

Ratchet looks panicked and I wondered if he would sedate me again to calm me down. I don’t want it. Why I don’t eludes me, but I don’t.

 

“Starscream,” I note how Ratchet’s servos hover over me.

 

“Quit that, why are you doing that?” I snap. Something deep in me told me I’m pushing my luck.

 

“I,” Ratchet’s pain should make me feel bad, but I already feel the worst, “I’m used to assisting my patients.”

 

_ He wants to touch you. _ It took me a moment to figure it out but I do. I make a noise of disgust.

 

“Do whatever you want.”

 

Ratchet reaches his servos under my own. The heat of his frame suddenly makes me feel cold and I can’t control the shaking that starts.

 

“I’m sorry,” Ratchet murmurs and I find myself whining at the strain when he pulls me.

 

“I can’t stand,” Something within me threatens to rise up, “I can’t stand. Please don’t make me stand.”

 

He leans his helm to the side to gently speak. Next to my helm it is my whole world, “Starscream, please. You were so brave to change every part of you.”

 

“I wasn’t brave. I wanted revenge,” air catches in my vocalizer, I hate the way I sound as I profess to Ratchet, “I wanted revenge against, Megatron and I am-”

 

My systems threaten to purge again and I curl over the Autobot. 

 

“I know. I’m sorry. If it was left up to me I would have waited until you killed Megatron before we rescued the mini-cons from you, but you know how Optimus feels.”

 

I stare into those bright blue optics and search for a lie. Search for anything in the Autobot that might mean he was only saying that to appease me.

 

Ratchet’s stare remains cold and heavy, his mouth in a tight line, “Don’t tell Optimus.”

 

My frame shudders again and I realize Ratchet bears the bulk of my weight.

 

“Let me fall.”

 

“No, Starscream we’re standing,” Ratchet’s voice softens, “Come on, seeker. I know you have it in you to stand. You wanted to. Let me help.”

 

I work my peds until I stand with a firm grip on Ratchet’s shoulder plate.

 

“You got a little taller.”

 

He beamed, a smile radiating from him as if he is so proud of me. I hate it but at the same time I know he’s genuine. Ratchet fixed me back in the day and he was honest as ever.

 

“It’s a mod,” I mutter out, “It’s not like I had a growth stage.”

 

Ratchet pats my cockpit and I can’t help but narrow my optics at him, “There’s our Starscream. Do you want to sit back down?”

 

“No,” I know I should be grateful but I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place if it wasn’t for the Prime, “I think I’ve fallen far enough.”

 

“I’ll make sure Optimus stays out of the medbay,” Ratchet spoke low to me, “So you don’t have to worry about him.”

 

“Why would I worry about him?” I lie.

 

“You purge your systems every time you see him,” Ratchet laughs. 

 

I wonder how many times this Autobot panicked over that. I feel stiff as I respond, “I purged a lot.”

 

“I know.”

 

I hate this. I hate how forlorn he looks. I hate that I care he pulled me from my misery. 

 

“I’m not going to thank you, Autobot,” I say, marking the distance between us, “I could have done this on my own. I won’t thank you and that  _ Prime _ for interfering. What are you two going to do with me?”

 

“That’s up to Optimus,” I hate how honest he is in this moment. That low tone doesn’t mask he dreads what the Prime will do. For a moment I miss the hushed tones of the other Decepticons.

 

“I don’t want to stand anymore,” I inform him.

 

“Okay let’s sit.”

 

“I don’t want to do that either.”

 

He huffs out, “What do you want to do?”

 

_ Die,  _ I think mostly to myself. Ratchet eases his grip, we lean against the medical berth together. 

 

“I know you feel as if you have no purpose,” Ratchet speaks to me as if I’m one of them, “But please, don’t do anything...that you would do normally.”

 

“Ah, the eldest and most knowledgeable of the Autobots delivers such sound counsel,” I can’t help but snip my digits together.

 

“I wish I had your courage, Starscream.”

 

I frown, the words don’t sound like me. I don’t have any courage. I just feel empty. 


End file.
